A Sloth and the Newspaper Boy

by Bradley Sands

A wager. Twenty bucks says a sloth can be a sloth faster than the newspaper boy can be the newspaper boy. You’re on! The sloth sloths slowly. The newspaper boy delivers papers quickly. You scowl. You take out a cell phone and place a call. A Pit Bull with a cell phone chases the newspaper boy. Its saliva eats through the newspaper boy’s bicycle. I call shenanigans. You put a gun in my mouth. I stop calling shenanigans. The sloth sloths slowly. The newspaper boy delivers newspapers on foot. The Pit Bull’s saliva has not eaten through his positive outlook. You scowl. You take out a detonator and push a button. The paperboy’s Nikes go bang. The explosion eats through his limbs. I call shenanigans. You open a manhole to reveal the sewers and a cage. A hungry alligator is in the cage. My family is in the cage. I stop calling shenanigans. The sloth sloths slowly. The newspaper boy crawls to his next delivery. The explosion has not eaten through his positive outlook. You walk into a secret control room and go through the motions of dropping an atom bomb on the newspaper boy’s head. The atom bomb eats through his everything. I call shenanigans. You cover The Light with a blackout curtain. I stop calling shenanigans. The sloth sloths slowly. The newspaper boy has stopped being a newspaper boy. The atom bomb has eaten away at his positive outline. I frown. I give you twenty bucks. You rush off to spend it on absolutely nothing.







Bio: Bradley Sands is the author of the novel, It Came from Below the Belt, and the editor of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. His work has appeared in The Bizarro Starter Kit (Blue), Lamination Colony, No Colony, Opium Magazine, Robot Melon, decomP, susurrus, Thieves Jargon, and elsewhere. Visit him at www.bradleysands.com.